August 2023 BLOG POST - What’s Your Definition Of Success?”
Several months ago, in a routine therapy appointment, we were talking about various aspects of my life when my therapist asked me a question that I’ve thought about ever since. “What’s your definition of success?” It echoed a question that I’d asked my husband months before in the middle of a heated conversation. That day, sitting on my therapist’s couch, my answer was vague and surface level… and he wasn’t buying it. I waiver between never wanting to fail (and therefore having extremely low opinions about success) and a vision of a perfect utopia in all things. He pushed deeper – is it numbers at work? Behaviors changed at home? Some distant horizon in my marriage? “Yes,” I answered. I think that’s how I define success. Numbers. Behaviors changed. Harmony in my marriage.
“What of that can you control?”he asked.
Oh… that question.
It rings deep in my soul.
On the surface, I might appear more laid back than the person next to me. You might catch a hint of my spunky, adventurous nature – more “go with the flow” than “laundry is always done on Sundays”. But, friend, I assure you – I am nothing if not a person deeply committed to controlling my outcomes with the very force of my nature. It’s just that the laundry doesn’t matter to me. But my kids? My marriage? The work I do at Haven? I will dedicate my entire focus to making sure that those aspects of my life are “successful”.
The question hung in the air.
How do I define success? Am I only successful as a mom if all of my children are model citizens at their schools, on their sports teams, in their Sunday school class? If that’s true… I’m failing miserably. What happens if my family never meshes the way that I desperately want them to? What happens if one of our adopted children tells us one day that us adopting them was the worst thing that ever happened to them – and they leave at 18 and never come back? It’s possible. It happens. Can I control what my children do? The meltdowns that may or may not happen in public spaces?
What about my marriage? Am I successful if I’m the “perfect” wife… whatever that means? Surely it means different things to everybody – including the two people in a marriage! Am I successful if we manage to stay married but don’t really talk to each other 20 years from now? What does success look like here? Can I control how my husband shows up in our relationship?
What about Haven?
He pushed, and pushed… and then pushed some more. I was so frustrated – because yes, that is how I define success… very gently he suggested that it was, in fact, faithfulness that defined success.
Am I being faithful with what I’ve been given?
Am I faithfully loving my children today? Am I showing up for them in the ways that they need? Am I doing things on my end to heal my own heart so that I can better parent my children? Am I trusting that there’s enough grace for today to make it through the day… and that there will be more grace tomorrow? Do I apologize when I need to? Am I faithful?
In my marriage – do I keep showing up? Authentically, vulnerably? Taking ownership of my messes, asking for forgiveness, and finding new – healthier – ways to move forward in relationship with my husband. Am I faithful – not just to my vows – but to choosing my husband every single day?
I’m watching this play out in real time right now in one of my closest relationships in the foster/adoption world. Their story is not mine to tell, but they’ve walked a hard path for the better part of a decade. One that feels like it is currently imploding all around them. It would be very easy for them to look at their family and think that they’ve failed. From my perspective though, I see a mom who has tried everything. Who wakes up every single day and asks herself the question, “How can I care for my child in a way that aligns with my values of motherhood, and in a way that speaks to the nature of my character?” I see a father who has consistently cared for a child, soon to be an adult, regardless of how he feels towards them that day. I see a marriage, once crippled by the weight of the behaviors in their home, now thriving because they keep choosing to grow together instead of apart.
If that’s not the definition of faithfulness - I don’t know what is.
Their story isn’t going to end with relationships restored. This certainly isn’t the way they saw their journey going when they were standing at the starting line. They’ll carry scars from the last decade for the rest of their lives. Their child’s story will play out however it goes - it’s out of their control.
Are they successful?
From my front row seat in the cheering section - I’m a resounding yes.
