Coping Techniques 4- Boundaries
Y’all… I’m horrible at this one. It’s absolutely mind blowing how much I struggle with healthy boundaries. I can coach people towards healthy boundaries with their children all day long - but in any other relationship boundaries feel impossible to me. True story, sitting in couples therapy, our therapist was talking about boundaries fairly objectively - to him, it seemed like “ok, we’re just going to define what they are and what they look like so that we can say we did… but this is obvious.” And when he was done, he looked at me and said, “What part of what I just said do you think you struggle with?” And I stared blankly at him for a few seconds and then said, “Um… I don’t understand a single thing about what you just said. Not one thing. Nothing you said makes sense to me.”
So, I’m learning this in my physical space first. Lean in… I’m going to tell you what I did… I stopped letting kids in my room unless they were invited. My room is now…drumroll please… my room (well, and Brad’s). It’s pretty. It stays clean. I have a spot on my couch in there that I sit in, light my candle, pray and meditate every morning. When I’m overwhelmed by 7 kids running amuck in the house… I go to my room. I sit in that spot. I set a timer - 10 minutes. I breathe. I find my center again. I listen to my body, and honor the emotions that are passing through. After 10 minutes, I re-enter the chaos steadier on my feet. When I’m using this practice well, I’ll even leave my phone in my room because I have less of a need to escape via Instagram. I created a physical spot of safety in my house, and I protect it. And then, when I choose to (often, on saturday nights) I invite the kids in to cuddle in bed and watch a movie. This was revolutionary for me.
Having this physical boundary is teaching me about emotional boundaries. I’m a fixer - unsolved problems drive me insane - but, not every problem is mine to fix. In fact, MOST problems are not mine to fix.
Ok - so here’s the hard work that I’m learning - the way you find out where you need a boundary is by knowing where you feel trampled all over - like, what you say doesn’t matter. It’s where you feel powerless. I knew I needed a boundary in my room when I kept getting angrier and angrier that my kids were using my bedroom like their second living room. When I kept tripping over their shoes on the way to my bathroom. I’d ask them to respect my space over and over, but they genuinely believed it was theirs. I also asked them to stop using my bathroom - because I find it really annoying when I have to WAIT to use my bathroom (can you feel the frustration?). Over and over, they ignored my requests. “I forgot”, they would say. It came to a head one day, I responded with more anger than is reasonably acceptable for a grown adult to have over a bathroom - and something in me clicked right into place - “I need a boundary line”. The moment I set the boundary and enforced it, peace returned. Do I miss the evening chats in bed with my kids - well, yes and no - really, we just have them on the couch now.
- Rebecca
Executive Director & Founder of Haven Retreats Inc.
